Why Forgiveness Isn't About Them—It's About You

The truth about forgiveness that no one tells you—and why it's the key to your own freedom.

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Forgiveness isn't a one-time thing. You don't say, 'I forgive you,' and then all the pain magically goes away. That's just not true, and that misguided opinion causes a lot of confusion and shame.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process and a decision you make every day. In other words, it's not linear. Just like all the pain doesn't instantly disappear even though we're on the healing path. Don't misunderstand me—pain does heal, at least a lot of it will. But it can also get triggered unexpectedly. But I'm getting off topic—more on that in another blog post.

Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the control of the one who harmed you. When you forgive someone, you're saying, 'I no longer give up my power. I no longer allow what you did to me to define me.'

Those who harm us are wounded themselves. They're just so lost in it that they keep dumping it all over everyone around them. This doesn't excuse what they do. Not at all.

Something I've learned to include in my daily prayer and meditation is this mantra:

"Today I choose to forgive those who've harmed me and those who wish me harm. May they find healing for the pain and trauma they carry. I give thanks for the freedom I find in forgiveness because it frees my heart from pain and releases me from the control of my offenders."

Then, in the event that a memory pops up, I've learned to see it as a visitor who would like to torment me. I don't force it to go away through denial. I simply notice it and say, 'Ah, I see you there, and now you may go. I have no interest in following this to distraction. I choose forgiveness. I choose healing. I choose freedom.'

This might sound ridiculous, and at first you may be resistant to the possibility this could possibly help. Even saying it without feeling it allows your mind to let go of unforgiveness, the resentment, the bitterness you may feel.

To stay in a state of unforgiveness only perpetuates the pain the offender intended to inflict. They win.

Forgiving does not let an offender off the hook, and it doesn't mean you allow them in your life if they're not good for your mental health or safety. It never absolves them from taking responsibility, and it doesn't mean you forget what they did. It just means you want to heal, and you are going to honor your healing by doing the hard work of forgiveness.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore forgiveness—not as a get-out-of-jail-free card or some magic words that erase all pain, but as another healing practice.

Create your own mantra. Write it in your journal. Read it out loud every day, even if you feel numb as you read it. I assure you, over time your head will start connecting with your heart, and you'll begin feeling freer.

And if you need support on this journey, The Quiet Path Home offers the tools, practices, and guidance to help you reclaim solitude as sacred space.

You don't have to do this alone. But you do have to learn to be alone. There's a difference.

Want more support on your healing journey? My book, The Quiet Path Home, offers guidance, practices, and encouragement for every step of the way.